Cartman's Next Top Model
by Macchine-da-Guerra
Summary: After being rejected from America's Next Top Model, Cartman decides to make his own modelling show.
1. Chapter 1

Cartman stomped into the classroom angrily before throwing his bag on his desk in a huff. He had just gotten back from auditioning for America's Next Top Model and from the looks of it, it did not seem like it had went very well.

"What's wrong, Fat ass, were you too fat to fit through the audition doors?" Kyle asked letting out a chuckle.

"No you stupid Jew! They told me that I was fiercely real which they were happy about, but then they said that they didn't like my personality." Cartman snapped.

"Maybe you should try being less of a douche." Stan suggested, looking up from the love letter he was writing Wendy.

"I wasn't being a douche you stupid hippie, they just couldn't handle my awesomeness." Cartman retorted. Stan and Kyle looked at each other and rolled their eyes; they knew that Cartman's statement was the furthest from the truth.

Cartman glared at the pair as he watched them roll their eyes at each other, he would have liked to see how far _they_ would have gotten if they had auditioned. He knew that Kyle wouldn't even have made it through the front door, you had to be at least 5'7 to audition and Kyle was only a measly 4'10. He supposed that Stan would have made it at least to the finals, he was a good height at 6'1 and he had a good build. However, Cartman knew that Stan would chicken out of doing a nude shot. Kenny had gone to auditions with Cartman and he MADE it which made Cartman more furious than anything, he couldn't believe his poor friend had won something over him, it reminded him of the time that Kenny got a PSP before he did.

"I can't believe Kenny made it over me." Cartman grumbled.

"We'll know who to vote for then." Stan and Kyle said in unison. He couldn't believe those guys, they weren't even trying to comfort him; instead they were going to root for one of the guys who had ripped his dream out from under him.

"I'm glad Kenny made it, now he's not going to graduate with the rest of us, well, it's not like he was going to graduate anyway." Cartman huffed. Before the other two boys could respond, Mr Garrison came into the classroom. For some reason, the school board kept moving him up to whatever grade Cartman and his gang were in. Mr Garrison was furious about this, he had tried countless times for the school board to put him in a different grade but they refused and gave him a pay raise. After he started making three times as much as the other teachers, Mr Garrison decided he didn't mind being Cartman's teacher that much.

"Okay you little bastards, open your Science books up to page 183." He demanded.

The whole class let out one unanimous groan before taking their Science books out from under their desks.

"Today we will be learning about-." Before Mr Garrison could reply, a big huge crash sounded through the classroom causing everyone to jump up and look around with a panic. It turned out that Butters had sat down on his desk and it broke. At 6'2 and 452 pounds, Butters wasn't to be taken lightly.

"Not again Butters." Mr Garrison groaned, by the way the other students had reacted, any outsiders would have never guessed that this happens about twice a week.

"Oh hamburgers!" Butters cried out before running out of the classroom to get a new desk.

"Stupid fag." Cartman chuckled from his desk; he liked Butters a little bit because of Butters, Cartman was no longer the fattest boy in the school.

"As I was saying, open your books to page 162…" Mr Garrison started, he was soon interrupted by Wendy who said,

"You said to open our books to page 183, Mr Garrison."

"Well whatever, today we're going to be learning about particles."

The class went on without any more incidents and then it was time to go to lunch.

"I'll take four apple pies please." Cartman said giving the lunch lately a sickingly sweet, and obviously fake, smile.

"You can only have one, you know the rules." The lunch lady replied, not falling for Cartman's ploy.

"But um, I have a medical condition, if I don't eat every hour I pass out." Cartman said in his sweetest voice.

"Yea, a medical condition of the brain." Kyle snorted from behind them, Cartman thought about saying something back to him but he didn't want to ruin his sweet innocent boy act in front of the lunch lady.

"I'll believe that when I see a doctor's note." The lunch lady then said slapping a spoonful of macaroni on Cartman's plate before sending him on his way.

"Can you believe her? Man, is she on her period or something?" Cartman grumbled after he had taken his seat at his table. His bad mood was deepened when he saw Craig get two slices of pie instead of just one.  
"You know, I should totally sue the school, like that one girl who only got fourteen French fries instead of the fifteen that everyone else got."

"That's stupid." Stan muttered.

"Well you're stupid you stupid hippie!" Cartman yelled before grabbing his now empty trey and throwing it in the trash.

As he was walking to the playground, he thought about how he got rejected on America's Next Top model for his bad attitude, an idea then began to form in his head, he would make his own next top model.


	2. Chapter 2

"Attention everyone! Are you interested in being a top model? Do you look at the girls on America's Next Top Model and think, 'I can do way better than those girls', if so; then sign up today for Cartman's Next Top Model, the best modelling show out there." Cartman exclaimed on his megaphone that he carries around everywhere.

"Excuse me but those modelling shows are totally demeaning to women, not everyone is 5'9 and a size two!" Wendy huffed.

"But you're 5'9 and a size two." Bebe said.

"That doesn't matter, what matters is that not everyone is and shows like that promote eating disorders." Wendy said with her arms crossed.

"Go away you stupid hippie, I wasn't going to let you audition anyway." Cartman said rolling his eyes. He knew that if he didn't get rid of Wendy soon he'd lose all of his contestants.

"Are there any requirements to audition?" Bebe asked batting her false eyelashes.

"Yes, no Jews and no Gingers." Cartman said.  
"Great!" Bebe exclaimed signing her name on the sheet that Cartman had laid out on a table. Cartman then had an idea form in his head when he saw Craig walking by.  
"Hey Craig!" He called.

"What?" Craig asked.

"Have you ever thought about modelling?"

"No." Craig replied before walking away.

"Wait!" Cartman called running after him.

"What do you want?"

"Just be on my show okay? Girls want to see tall hunky guys and I don't want to ask Stan because he's a stupid hippie."

"You think I'm hunky?" Craig asked with a rare snicker.

"Ew sick gross!" Cartman said making a gagging motion with his finger down his throat. In truth, he thought Stan was pretty hunky, and Craig looked similar to Stan, but he'd never say that out loud.

"Hey guys what's up?" Token asked.  
"Tokennn, you'd be perfect on my show." Cartman exclaimed.

"No." Token said before he and Craig walked off together.

"Dammit!" Cartman muttered kicking a rock, he hated that the only people that signed up so far were Butters and Bebe. Butters would have to ask his parents of course, but he said that if he told them that the run way training would help him lose weight they probably wouldn't send him to fat camp again. Cartman didn't understand why they even bothered sending him to fat camp, last time Butters went to fat camp he came back seventy pounds heavier.

"How's this week's big scheme going?" Stan asked. At the sound of his voice, Cartman's stomach began to feel jumpy and his knees began to feel like jelly.

"What's it to you, it's not like you can audition you stupid hippie." Cartman snapped.  
"I wasn't going to audition anyway, Wendy would kill me."

"Why not show that stupid bitch she's not the boss of you?"

"But you just said I couldn't audition." Stan said with confusion.

"I changed my mind, if it pisses Wendy off I'm all for it." Cartman said trying to keep a smile from spreading across his face, he was about to kill two birds with one stone; Wendy would be totally pissed off and he would get to see Stan in several cute outfits.

"No thanks, I'd rather give my grandfather a foot massage." Stan said, before he could walk off though, Cartman grabbed his arm to stop him.

"I guess I'll let Kyle audition if you audition." He said with a sigh.

"Like Kyle would audition, he feels the same way Wendy does."

"Maybe Kyle and Wendy should date since they have soo much in common, maybe they already are. In fact, I think I saw them kissing behind the school yesterday." Cartman said stroking his beard.

"Yea right." Stan said rolling his eyes.

"No man, it's totally true, I saw them too." Hector, the new foreign exchange student from Mexico, said.

"I'll be back, I have to go have a word with my so called best friend, oh and Cartman, go ahead and sign me up for your stupid show." Stan said through gritted teeth.

"Excellent." Cartman said with a sinister smile, he knew that paying the new kid to back him up on everything was a good idea.

"Can you sign me up too?" Hector asked.

"Whatever." Cartman said rolling his eyes, he didn't think that a Mexican would ever make it as a model, but he couldn't afford to piss Hector off right now.

"Oh my gosh! There's a fight going on between Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflovski!" Cartman heard a girl yell out, he ran around the corner of the school and sure enough Stan and Kyle were on the ground, rolling around, and punching each other.

"I didn't kiss Wendy!" Kyle screamed.

"Yea right! Cartman and that new kid both saw you!" Stan screamed back delivering a punch into Kyle's stomach.

"You believe Cartman?" Kyle demanding throwing a punch into Stan's side.

"I said the new kid told me too! Our friendship is so over you pathetic midget freak!" Stan yelled before punching Kyle a few more times and stomping off.  
Cartman chuckled on his breath when he saw Kyle lying on the ground, bleeding like a pathetic rag, however, his amusement soon turned to horror when he saw Stan walk up to Wendy.

"What's this with you making out with Kyle?" Stan asked her.

"I didn't make out with Kyle, who told you that?" Wendy asked with confusion.

"Cartman and the new kid." Stan replied through gritted teeth.

"So you believe what Cartman tells you now?"

"I said Cartman AND the new kid."

"Well they're both lying, Kyle's dating someone else."

"Who? Is it Bebe?" Stan asked; he was surprised that his best friend got a girlfriend without telling him.

"No actually, it's not a girl, I'm not sure if I should say anything else." Wendy said looking around nervously.

"Please tell me." Stan said; he felt a bit miffed that Kyle hadn't told him that he liked guys but he didn't say anything.

"Okay, Bebe told me that Kenny told her that Kyle is dating his dad." Wendy said.  
"What the fuck, that's totally disgusting!" Stan exclaimed. Behind the video camera that he was holding around the corner, Cartman also let out a little gag.

"Well, Kyle's eighteen so there's not really much we can do." Wendy said with a shrug.

"Thanks, for telling me, I better go tell Cartman that I'm not going to be in his stupid show." Stan said before kissing Wendy and walking off towards Cartman's sign up station.

"Dammit!" Cartman muttered under his breath, now he'd have to find another way to get Stan to be on his show. He knew that his show was going to better than the original even if it killed him.


End file.
